it was just the two of us, and i just got really lonely
by burn my mind
Summary: Biting on his lower lip he lowered the razor down to his skin, the first mark doesn't quite reach a vein. TW: Self harm.


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

::

He pushes self destruct, lets himself blow up into tiny little pieces.

It started _before _Serena left.

He had weighed the pros and the cons, _should I? should I not? should I? should I not?_

He went with the former, picking up the razor nervously, googling _how _he should go about this, how to clean up the mess it would make. He didn't want anybody finding out _straight away _(maybe not at all, he wasn't really sure yet.)

Biting on his lower lip he lowered the razor down to his skin, the first mark doesn't quite reach a vein.

(He's scared, even if he doesn't want to be.)

::

Smile. Smile. Smile. You're Serena's little brother, you _can't _show a moment of being sad when your sister is the equivalent of the sun.

Where _is _your sister?

She was gone even when she was here.

Your hands trace over a family portrait, Serena's squeezing you tight, holding onto you for dear life. It's almost like you can see her vanishing from the picture, like she wasn't there to start with.

Lily's smile is wide in the picture but it's forced.

You look around the penthouse now, she's gone.

Just like Serena.

::

"How are you E?" Blair asks, spotting you as you walk past the MET steps. Head down, feet shuffling, don't look up and maybe she won't notice, right?

"Oh hey Blair, yeah. Uh, I'm good. How are you?" Was that convincing enough? Smile. Head up, tugging on your sleeves, covering the scars a little more.

Her eyes linger too long on the action, mouth contorting into a frown but she quickly covers it up with a smile. It's not like she could tell that anything was _wrong_, nobody else could.

"Good," Her response falls on her lips, eyes hopeful as she looks at you. She bids farewell to her minions at the steps and walks down to meet you at the bottom. "You haven't, um, heard from Serena have you?" She asks hopefully, twisting the red ring that Nate had given her around on her finger.

Your head falls down, eyes locking with your shoes, building with tears. You _really _wish you could say yes. For her sake and yours. Her father had left her, her world had been torn apart. She could really use her best friend right now.

"No." The word spills out of your mouth, an excuse to why you have to leave flying past your lips.

And you could really use your sister right now.

::

You're a van der Woodsen.

Serena's little brother.

You _should _have friends. Preferably the in crowd, who get invited to the hottest parties and have girlfriends and who are better than everyone else. Right?

But you don't. Instead you eat your lunch alone, _lie _to Lily about going _to _parties while you stay at home in your room (secretly) or wander around the streets at night, and get laughed at by everyone else behind your back.

It sounds so fucking cliched.

You're supposed to have everything, you've got no friends, so you cut yourself.

(But it doesn't mean you want to kill yourself.)

::

The first party you go to you're 13.

It's the first party you go to _without _Serena.

She's off somewhere, doing something and when Caleb had personally asked you to go, you couldn't decline the offer.

That's the party where you first figure out that you think that you might prefer boys over girls.

Some 16 year old's are hanging there, a group of them. They fuss over you, calling you adorable, the girls ruffling your hair and the guys rolling their eyes. Caleb shouts at them to leave you alone and leads you into another room where Vicky and Seb are making out on a bed.

Caleb offers you some pot.

And Vicky offers you a kiss.

And you don't want either.

So they call you names, and make fun of you for the rest of the year.

Caleb's taunting hurts the most.

::

Things start to get really bad when the divorce happens and you move into the Palace.

Lily's off_ more _than usual - how is that even possible?

And your razor really does become your best friend.

::

And then everything's a blur because you've just had _enough_.

Tears are pounding down your cheeks, and you're frustrated and fed up because _no one _cares.

Lily is never around.

Serena left.

You don't have any friends.

So you take the blade and drag it across your skin until the blood oozes a bit too much.

Until you're faint and dizzy and can't think.

And you hear a soft thud, you think it might be your head.

And all you see is _red red red_.


End file.
